White Out

What’s missing from crazily popular children’s franchises like Dragonball Z or Speed Racer?

White people, and lots of them.

Hollywood has a habit of ruining remaking successful properties from overseas, nearly always with disastrous results (c.f. Insomnia, The Vanishing, Point of No Return, The Avengers, City of Angels, Breathless, and on and on and on…). Since filmmaking in countries all across Asia seems to be exploding with imagination and craftsmanship lately that means it’s time to “fix” these films for American audiences and for gosh sakes, add some white people into them. The Departed is a notable example, seeing as Scorcese couldn’t be bothered to even look up what country the (much better) source material was from on IMDB. The Grudge is another film improved by adding Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Even the casting coup of Jet Li and Jackie Chan isn’t enough, we have some curly locked nobody holding our hand though The Forbidden Kingdom. I suppose Jet Li should just feel grateful that they didn’t decide to cast him as a villain yet again.

So the last thing I want to hear is that Spielberg has acquired the rights to Ghost in the Shell. In an attempt to forestall the incipient Apocalypse, could I recommend some casting ideas for what will, no doubt, be another AFI classic Mr. Spielberg, your greatness, sir?

Mikako Ichikawa who was so good as the uptight control freak of a police detective in Cutie Honey is perfect for the independent, come in with guns blazing Kusanagi. Kou Shibasaki is a good second choice. What’s that? Er, they’re both from Cleveland, I’m sure of it. If you absolutely must pull a Memoirs of a Geisha, how about Yum Jung-ah? Heck she acts like she’s auditioning for the part in H.

To be honest, I don’t think any person on Earth has the hulking physique of Batou.
Riki Takeuchi, maybe? Native British Columbian. Says so on Empire’s magazine site somewhere, really.

Shûgo Oshinari is probably too young for Togusa although he seems to have that perpetual look of bewilderment required. Tadanobu Asano of course can do anything.

So don’t blame me when you have to sit through lines about the meaning of consciousness that make your brain ache delivered by the likes of Liv Tyler, Jack Black and Markie Mark.

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